ihcahieh

All about the Shroud of Turin

DISCLAIMER: Notice the Courier New font? This is just a flashback article. If I remember it right I made this one in 2004 or 2005. I’m just publishing it here because I think it makes sense naman, lol, so why not share. It is safe to say that the author of this article is the “pre-agnostic ME.”

DISCLAIMER: All information and statements in the paragraphs to follow are just paraphrased versions of the contents of the book I’ve read entitled THE SECOND MESSIAH by Knights and Lomas. The contents of the paragraphs are NOT MY OWN ideas. For people who are so devoted to their faith, don’t read this because it contains many claims that will seem blasphemous for you. And so I recommend this to the free thinkers and open minded people…

P.S. The book is not a The Da Vinci Code wannabe; the authors say it’s factual and that they have scientific facts to back their theories…

The book claims that the miraculous image in the Shroud of Turin is not that of Jesus Christ. For those people who were absent in their religion classes when this topic was discussed, let me enlighten you (Okay, this is me but I’m only explaining, I’m not giving comments.) A shroud is a long cloth that is used to wrap the bodies of dead people in the early times. The Shroud of Turin was first displayed in Turin (somewhere in Italy I think) at around 1300 AD, hence the name Shroud of Turin. It is believed to be the image of Jesus Christ and that it was the same shroud used to wrap him after crucifixion. In the early 90’s, the Vatican allowed scientists to investigate the origin of the shroud and three distinguished forensic laboratories around the world, again according to the book agreed that the shroud couldn’t have predated 1200 AD. Jesus Christ was crucified at around 33 AD. The process was called Radio Carbon Dating. If you want to know more about Radio Carbon Dating, do some research on the topic because it is a long complicated issue. Arguments like the shroud was an art work of Leonardo da Vinci and it was some photographic hoax were discredited because the book claims that scientists said that there were no brush marks found and that photography wasn’t available during the time.

The question: Whose image was imprinted in the shroud? The book says that it is the image of Jacques de Molay, who according to them is believed to be the second messiah and the last grand master of the Knights Templar. Who is this Jacques de Molay? What is the Knights Templar? The next paragraph will explain that.

The book claims that it all started with the crusades. Once again, for those people absent when this was discussed in religion class, let me enlighten you (This is me again.) The crusades were formed to reclaim the holy land Jerusalem, which was invaded by the Turks (or Muslims I think) around 1100 AD. It was pioneered by the wealthy monarchs of Europe and the reigning pope (I think it was Urban II). The book claims that nine knights vowed in a life of chastity, obedience, and all properties in common (as opposed to chastity, obedience, and poverty) and that these nine approached the pope and asked for his permission so that they could guard the pilgrims in Jerusalem because bandits were so active during those days. But according to the book, the nine knights had a hidden agenda and they only used the bodyguard issue as an alibi to excavate the temple of Jerusalem. Why would they excavate the temple? The book says that there were hidden treasures and scrolls of the teachings of Jesus and the Jerusalem Church under the temple. In order to understand this, a little history lesson is necessary.

This is the book’s version of the history of Jerusalem. According to the book, there were two sets of Jews when Jesus was active. The first group belonged to the Jerusalem Church where Jesus also belonged and the other was the group of gentiles and Diasporas outside the walls of Jerusalem led by St. Paul. From what I remember (Again this is me), St. Paul was a Roman soldier whose original name was Saul but later changed to Paul when he was converted. The book claims that St. Paul misinterpreted the teachings of Jesus. According to the book, symbolic phrases like RAISING THE DEAD and TURNING WATER INTO WINE were misinterpreted and given literal meaning by St. Paul. The book says that in the colloquial use of language during that time, RAISING THE DEAD meant enlightening the unenlightened. The book claims that the Jerusalem Church considered people outside their faith as DEAD and considered their selves the LIVING. So the expression RAISING THE DEAD could have meant converting the pagans and others who didn’t believe in the Jerusalem Church. TURNING WATER INTO WINE on the other hand means elevating one’s spiritual status. The book says that Jesus administered symbolic resurrection by letting the person being converted have a symbolic death, after which the said person is wrapped in a white shroud signifying a symbolic resurrection as initiation to their faith. These, the book claims were misinterpreted by St. Paul and thought that the Gentiles that Jesus had powers to literally raise the dead and literally turn water into wine.

Another claim of the book is that Jesus had a brother called James the Just. The book says that the ministry of Jesus was originally led by his cousin John the Baptist and later passed to James the Just when Jesus was crucified. The book also says that James the Just was more popular than Jesus and also loved by the people. James was then murdered by the Romans and the Jews went on a revolution mainly due to fanaticism, which led to the destruction of the Temple of Jerusalem caused by Roman retaliation. The Jews defended their holy land but the might of the Roman Empire was more than they could take. Cities after cities fell. Most of the Jews inhabiting the place died while some hid and some fled. According to the book, the members of the Jerusalem Church, which the book considers the real Church fled to Greece and dispersed themselves across Europe while the gentiles and others either died or hid somewhere. A certain group called Essenes, according to the book, hid in the labyrinth under the then destroyed Jerusalem Temple and brought with them the sacred scrolls of the Jerusalem Church and treasures.

The book says that the group of St. Paul survived and later was considered as Christians and their leader was the Pope. The Jerusalem Church on the other hand was dispersed across Europe and came back to the holy land during the crusades. And now I must warn you that we have come to the most controversial claim of the book. If this was a religious roller coaster, we are approaching the loops.

The book believes that a certain group called Rex Deus exists, its members composed of the original Jerusalem Church. I don’t know what their sources are but the book says that a Rex Deus member approached a certain priest or minister to share a secret which in turn was told to them by the minister. According to the book, the alleged Rex Deus member said that it is a tradition in their family to pass a secret knowledge from father to a chosen son (not necessarily the eldest) of the secrets of their group but since he has no son, he chose to tell the said minister. The book says that the Rex Deus member said that in the early Jerusalem Church, there existed two schools. One was exclusive for girls and one exclusive for boys. According to the Rex Deus member, both schools were headed by the priests of the said Jerusalem Church who used the name of angels like Michael, Gabriel, etc instead of their own names. It is said that a common practice of the said Church was for the priests to conceive a child with the girls of the exclusive school once they turn fifteen or sixteen and marry them to an older Jewish man to have a family. And now for the most controversial claim… The Rex Deus member apparently said that a sixteen year old girl by the name of Mary was visited by an angel Gabriel and married her to a man named Joseph. (Again this is me) Just for clarification, this is not my idea and it could be verified that it is not mine if you read the book.

The Rex Deus member said, according to the book that Mary didn’t like Joseph at first because he was too old for her but eventually learned to love him and they had four more children. The book says that this might be a tradition of the early Church to preserve the genealogical line of David. The book speculates that Rex Deus members exist up to this day and they wear a symbolic ring depicting the two pillars of the Jerusalem Temple called Boaz and Jachin, which represents the kingly and priestly line of David. The Rex Deus also said, according to the book that the royal colours of the house of David are Green and Gold.

According to the book, the said nine knights (The original Knights Templar) were members of the Rex Deus and that the crusades were just cover up stories so that the Rex Deus members could regain their treasures, their birthrights from under the temple of Jerusalem. The book also speculates that it was a conspiracy because the pope back then (Urban II) died shortly after reclaiming the holy land. The book said he was dispatched after his usefulness expired.

The Knights Templar, as the book says gained popularity back then and rendered their service to the Pope even if they didn’t believe in him. The book claims that the said Knights Templar and Rex Deus were descendants of the Jerusalem Church where Jesus belonged and that the Pope and the Roman Catholic Church are descendants of the Jews led by St. Paul. The Knights Templar, as the book suggests became bankers all over Europe and yielded organizations such as Freemasonry, which included non-Rex Deus and non-Knights Templar members.

Jacques de Molay, according to the book was the last grand master of the Knights Templar (they were arrested back then as heretics by the Roman Catholic Church and Phillip the Fair of France) and was also crucified in a wooden door by a skilled torturer popular for nailing people they torture wherever possible. The book says that Molay was crucified in a wooden door, whipped, and crowned with sharp objects so he could suffer Christ’s sufferings. He was then wrapped in the shroud and laid in a soft bed because he was expected to recover. The Knights Templar, as said by the book, believed in Jesus Christ as a prophet but not as a God and they didn’t worship the cross. However, they believe in God and the teachings of the said Jerusalem Church. Molay was tortured to give a confession denouncing their organization and was expected to recover to confess to the people. He was laid in a soft bed wrapped in a shroud. The book says that this Molay person was in a coma for a day because of the trauma. The mixture of his blood, sweat and heavy doses of lactic acid in the blood caused the imprinting of his image in the shroud, which was kept for 50 years in the dark by a family friend after he recovered.

The authors of the book conducted some tests regarding the shroud and came with a conclusion that the image printed in the back and front of the shroud wouldn’t be possible if the person wrapped was lain on a hard surface. The soft surface of the bed allowed the miraculous printing and position of the hands as shown in the shroud. The position of the arms, as said by the book would be impossible if the person was on a hard surface. The arm position was possible if the person was on a soft surface bent rather than straight. This Jacques de Molay person was said to be crucified around 1200 AD and was later burned but not in the stake. The book said he was roasted along with a co member of their organization.

The book also claims that the Roman Catholic Church had a dark and controversial history. The book says that the RCC had three ways of dealing with hazards to the faith. The first one was ridicule. The book says that the RCC would ridicule the idea and if it doesn’t work, they would absorb the idea as Catholic. The book claims that the RCC denied that the shroud was really the shroud of Jesus but later accepted it as that for the fear that their followers back then would discover that they crucified the said Molay person. The last way was destroy. They would arrest people as heretics to be burned at the stake, excommunication, etc.

Okay, now this is me. This is my opinion regarding the issue. We all know that the Church had a very controversial history. We know that December 25 is not the real birth of Jesus but was the feast of the pagan god Mithras. The Church only adapted it because it was popular back then when the religion was starting. We also know that the Church abused indulgences and belief of heaven and hell specially during the dark ages, this was also evident in the Philippine setting during the Spanish colonization. What I’m trying to say is that even if the Church was horrible back then, it doesn’t really matter because I personally believe that faith depends on the individual. Priests and Church ministers are humans too and as human beings, we are not exempted from committing mistakes because we are not perfect. We already heard of priests having children, priests abusing people, etc. This is a clear indication that they could also commit mistakes. The papal infallibility was unquestioned back then but was already admitted by the Vatican a few years back that the pope was not infallible indeed. The Vatican only pardoned Galileo in 1992, which means they only believed that the sun is the centre of the solar system in 1992 even if it was already scientifically proven centuries ago. The Roman Catholic Church is a religious institution. There are many religious institutions in the world, different religions; religions denouncing each other and proclaiming their God as the real God. In this setting, who are we to believe? Of course we will support our own beliefs, and so will they. The point is that the God whom several religions call by different names every day is just the same God guiding us all. We only have different names for God because of our cultural differences and beliefs that are more convenient for us. Why am I even giving my view about this? Well, I already shared the book so I might as well give my insight, right?

Science and Religion are like Oil and Water. They are immiscible. And whatever we do, they will never complement each other because they are of different leagues, different beliefs. Jesus might be a prophet for the Muslims, for us he is a God, for pagans he is just somebody else. Whoever he is for different people, the point is that he already left us a legacy. He already cast his long shadow to guide us in our daily lives. He already did his mission on Earth whether we acknowledge it or not. He already helped in the development of the human race. Considering him a God, a prophet or a nobody is not going to undo any of his great accomplishments that already served as a great source of inspiration for many people.

It isn’t wrong not to believe in an existing God but it is certainly not worse to believe in one. The decision really lies on the person and his spirituality. There is nothing wrong in believing and getting inspiration from a supreme being, whose existence is intangible. At the end of the day, isn’t it better for us to have believed in him and his guidance in attaining a better life? If at the end of our lifetime we could prove that there really is a heaven and a God of different names waiting up there, or even if there isn’t, the important thing is that we have lived our lives as human beings, people who have helped our brethren on Earth, Christians and non-Christians alike.

Faith is blind. Blindness could be a curse, but it could also be a not so perfect opportunity to reflect and realize certain truths without the biases of the seen world.

Siyempre nag advertise pa ako no, if you want to test your faith further, yung mas OA pa kesa sa The Da Vinci Code, try the books from Arrow Publishing… =)

I know it’s weird but let me explain what this means. It’s just that every New Year, people formulate a list of plans, or goals to be exact to accomplish for that year. Some people get to fulfill the promise they made themselves while some miserably fail. As for me, the New Year has already arrived.

I turned 21 last September and ever since I got to college I told myself that the real New Year starts September. It’s just logical, right? I was born on the month of September so you shouldn’t argue with me when I say that I want the “Real” New Year on September!

Unfortunately, people won’t celebrate my own personal New Year with me because if the start of the New Year would depend on our birth months, we would all have different New Year celebrations. But I won’t give in to that, a compromise should be made.

Since the “Traditional” New Year starts January, why not meet halfway? Count 2 months ahead starting September and you reach November. Count 2 months back from January and you reach November. And so, the “Compromise” New Year starts November. And instead of calling it “Compromise New Year’s Resolution,” why not just call it “Halloween’s Resolution”? And so be it.

I started formulating resolutions even before September. I named the article 21 Things to Do Before You Turn 22. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to complete the list on time. Thinking of 21 weird things is quite difficult, specially knowing that some of the entries would just seem normal to others. I could only think of a few weird things and so I stopped writing and gave myself more time. Now I would just have to list whatever I want to, no more quotas. Begin!

Write a fictional blog starting November…

I am so psyched about this idea. I’ve always wanted to write a novel, but again to use the word “unfortunately” (Ok fine let’s toss in the Romance equivalents); Por desgracia, I don’t have a lot of time specially now that I’m already working. I would barely have time for anything. Another concern is that even a good story would turn out to be trash if you don’t have that ability to narrate stories creatively. In order to be an effective storyteller, brilliant ideas won’t suffice, you need creative writing skills. So what now? Should I transfer to the BA Creative Writing program? Hell no. Because of this I plan to write the novel when I turn 40, which is a rather long wait. 19 years? So I’ve just decided, why not use the blog? I could use the blog as the medium to tell the story but instead of narrating it 3rd person omniscient, I could just do it on 1st person point of view with the main character doing what normal people do, blogging. It would be updated every week so it would be like a weekly series and because it is a blog, there would be no pressure to write as if writing a piece for Oprah’s Book Club. It would be just like reading someone else’s blog entries! But I would have to warn you now. Starting on the first Sunday of November, a new category would be added to the existing Weekly and Special categories in my blog. It would be named Luna’s Corner. Yes, the main protagonist is a girl and to top that, she’s pyrokinetic. Has Dan the Wrathful met his match? It would be of the fantasy genre, written as if it were a normal weekly blog. Excited na ako!

Dye my hair white…

Yes white, as in totally white. I’m not promising anyone anything about this, not even myself. In my Spanish class last semester a lot of people underwent drastic changes with their hair and a lot of people branded them as depressed. When I had my hair cut they asked me if I was depressed. I wasn’t. I was but not so much. I believe that this year the Great Depression, the mother of all depressions, would hit me hard. I could feel it. And when that time comes that’s when I would say that I am truly depressed. But what does it have to do with the hair? Well, it’s just that I’ve always envisioned Dan the Wrathful having white hair with a ball of fire on the left hand. I can’t do anything about the fireball but I think something could be done with the hair. So what does this mean? I don’t know. Maybe boredom and depression are best buddies and when one hits a person the other would hit him or her too. Maybe I just want to have a radical change in my life? I don’t know. One thing I do know is that this particular resolution won’t be 100% sure. There is a possibility but it is not as sure as the fictional blog. This is crazy, it got 3 star-(what? You’ve got to be kidding me!)-rating in the unpublished article mentioned above. Well… Let’s see if it comes to fruition this year or the next. Just thinking about it makes me cringe

Read and finish foreign language novels…

I am a serious language learner and I know that reading would benefit me the most. I have nothing against translations but for me they are like movie versions of books where details are often omitted and sometimes overemphasized. For me reading the original is like reading the book first before seeing the movie, which in this case would be the translation. I love reading and I believe it would be the perfect way to enhance my abysmal vocabulary in the languages I’m learning. I’ve already planned some books to be read for each language. Again I am not sure if any of this would be realized but I hope I could do at least one. I am planning to read Como Agua Para Chocolate (Like Water for Chocolate) by Laura Esquivel. I’ve already seen an original Spanish copy in Fully Booked but I didn’t have the money then. I hope it would still be there once I have enough money to buy it. Don Quixote is an alternative but hello, are you high? Have you seen how thick the book is? For Portuguese I plan on reading Veronika Decide Morrer (Veronika Decides to Die) by Paolo Coelho. The good thing about Coelho’s books is that they are conveniently thin. I’ve always been intrigued by that particular book and been tempted a couple of times to buy it because it sells for less than 300 pesos in bookstores, but then my stubborn self would like to read it in the original Portuguese. The good thing about Portuguese is that it is hard to speak but easy to read, specially if you know Spanish. For French I plan on reading Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince) by Antoine de Saint Exupéry. It is a book for children, right? But still if this is to be done I think it would be by the end of the year because I have just started French again (This is like the fourth time I’ve restarted learning it). For Italian I have no idea. I don’t want to read Macchiavelli’s masterpiece in the original Italian. I think Umberto Eco’s books are complicated, what more in the original language! So should I just read Dante’s Inferno? I don’t know. So far the reading challenge only targets the four languages mentioned.

Do public service for my high school batch mates…

When I started the blog I’ve always thought of interviewing my high school batch mates (around 400 in total). Wala lang. I would just like to know what they are doing with their lives after 4 years now and at the same time inform the others via publication in the blog. I also want to include some high school teachers specially the notorious ones. I know this would be time-consuming and again I’m not committing myself to anything. If this goal is to be achieved I think it would start January 2007. I would still have to think about the details. How many should I interview per month? Would 1 batch mate be enough? Should I also interview the teachers or should I leave them alone? What should I ask them? Should it be a serious interview in the form of an article or should it be just a mere transcript of the kamustahan session? Isip isip muna.

Be more than just the average student…

I love school but I haven’t really excelled to realize my full potential. I always have this strange mentality that most students have, that of may next sem pa naman e, pahinga muna ako. I think some people in the university who know me would find this weird. Last semester I had like 32 units (20 enrolled, 12 sit-in) just for the fun of it. Isn’t that loving school more than enough? I think not. Though I attended a lot of classes for the last semester, I would have to admit that I didn’t do my best. Yes I had a lot of classes but what happened was quantity over quality. I spent almost all my time attending classes from different fields of study but I didn’t give my all, not even to one particular class. I would just attend class, listen to the professor, daydream, and then cram once the exams started coming. I could have read all the readings. I could have appreciated and viewed them as leisure readings instead of required readings if I wanted to but I did not. Deep inside apathy ruled and I had a so-so semester. I’ve been a consistent College Scholar ever since I started in UP. What occurred last semester could very well break the chain. Gusto ko na mag level-up. I want to be a University Scholar. It is possible but the question is am I willing to do it? I could do it but do I want to? Of course I want to but in reality would I do everything in order to achieve it? That’s the question. Knowing that I would be having Calculus this coming semester, chances are seen to be slim, or fat, whatever. Oh look, did I commit a grammar crime: Misplaced/Dangling Modifier? Well, do I care?

All of these are due before the year ends. But there are three New Years, which is which? Ok, let’s just make it eerily similar with CRS (UPD’s online enlistment program), the first run would be on September 26, 2007. Second run would be November 2007. Final run would be on December 31, 2007. I think there would be no problem for most of the goals. I just wish I could have included the smaller ones, those which were trivial, ordinary, and less weird.

Well anyway I’m done with writing. I am excited about the fictional blog. I’ve been writing and rewriting the same novel in my mind for almost 2 years now. I started formulating ideas November 2004 and now I’ve done a couple of revisions. I was even pissed off when brilyantes were used in Encantadia because my novel includes them too, except that there is no jewel for Earth. Oh well, it’s common in the fantasy genre. Let’s wait and see. =)

Hagardous Leviosa: (hirit) Aliw na aliw ako sa term na ito. Nakita ko ito sa isa sa mga threads sa Peyups. Never ko pa siyang ginamit in spoken language, sa utak lang. Ang example na ibibigay sa ibaba ay yung sinabi nung nag post sa Peyups.

*** Kapag tapos na ang opisina at sobrang pagod ako, sumisigaw ako ng Hagardous Leviosa!

Halitosis: (n.) Ok, hindi imbento ang term na ito. Ang alam ko scientific term siya for bad breath. Kaya imbes na direchahang sabihin sa isang tao na amoy imburnal ang hininga niya (ouch ang straightforward…), ito na lang ang gamitin to soften the blow. More or less hindi naman niya alam ang ibig sabihin niyan e, unless nabasa niya dito.

*** Hanep ka talaga ‘tol dumating ka lang nag iba na ang ihip ng hangin. Kamusta naman ang halitosis mo. SAGOT: A si misis ba? Nasa bahay naglalaba, bakit, may sasabihin ka sa kanya?

Intermitido: (adj.) Corrupted form of the Spanish intrimitido. Mahadero, pakialamero, meddlesome moron.

*** Sino naman ang nag utos sa ‘yo na pakialaman ang mga gamit ko ha? Kahit kailan intermitido ka talaga.

Nabili ang (insert location here): (hirit.) Kadalasang ginagamit ang hirit na ito sa mga taong nakabalandra sa isang lugar, mapakalye man, classroom, mall, etc. Sila yung mga taong nakaharang sa dadaanan mo kahit marami namang espasyo para tumabi at magpadaan ng ibang tao.

*** Hoy wag ka ngang humarang sa dadaanan ko, hindi mo pa nabibili kay Henry Sy itong SM ha. Uwi!

Orocanability: (n.) Degree ng pagka plastic. Marami itong variants sa Filipino slang. Nandiyan ang tupperware, plasticity, etc. Pero mas cute itong pakinggan, medyo nagtunog scientific pa nga… hehehe.

*** Nako wag ka basta bastang magtitiwala diyan sa taong yan, e to the nth level ang orocanability niyan e.

Pakainin ng abo: (v.) Ilampaso, ilagay sa dapat kalagyan, turuan ng leksyon. As you can see medyo magkakaiba ang meaning pero maliit na pagkakaiba lang naman. You can use the term for any of the three abovementioned definitions. Actually para siyang literal translation ng English Eat my Dust e.

*** E mahangin lang naman yan e, mamaya sa debate tignan mo, pakakainin ko yan ng abo.

Parang hinahabol ng sampung maniningil: (hirit) Ginagamit na pantukoy sa mga taong laging nagmamadali, regardless kung talagang ganun ang personality nila o ganun lang sila nung time na yun.

*** Bagalan mo nga naman ng kunti maglakad, para kang hinahabol ng sampung maniningil.

Puno na ang salop: (hirit) Expression na pamana ni FPJ bago siya pumanaw. Ang ibig sabihin ay sagad na, in a way ay synonym siya ng to the nth level. Ginagamit pag ubos na ang pasensya o sa kaso ni Dan the Wrathful, pag mang a ax kick na siya ng tao. Ubos na ang pisi. Sasabog na ang bulkan, etc.

*** Pasensya na po pero puno na ang salop (Sabay ax-kick).

Rico Yan: (n.) Bangungot. Pasintabi na lang po sa mga kamag anak at kaibigan ni Rico Yan pero simula namatay siya, lagi na lang naa associate sa kanya ang term na bangungot.

*** Ang dami kong kinain kanina, hindi kaya ako ma Rico Yan nito?

Sampalin ng transcript: (hirit) You could use this expression when someone assaults your intelligence but please make sure na maganda ang laman ng transcript mo kasi in the end baka sa iyo isampal.

*** (Tinatanong ka ng college secretary kung bakit ka magshi shift) COLLEGE SEC: Bakit ka magshi shift? Bumabagsak ka na siguro no? SAGOT: Baka gusto mong sampalin kita ng transcript ko.

Supra: (adv.) Super. Sobra.

*** Supra init naman ng panahon ngayon,

sana

umambon man lang.

To the nth level: (adj.) Sagad na sagad na. Don’t be confused between this term and Ruffa Mae Quinto’s to the next level. Magkaiba ang meaning nila.

*** To the nth level na ang yabang ng moron na yan. Pag ako napuno talagang pakakainin ko yan ng abo.

Tuwang tuwa sa galak: (adj.) Labis labis ang pagkatuwa. Sila yung mga taong pwede nating sabihin na mababaw. Yung mga tipong, Yehey nakapasa ako sa Math 17! Sabay talon sa building sa sobrang tuwa. Ok, that was morbid. Basta yung mga OA sa tuwa na akala mo may big deal na nangyari kahit mababawa lang naman ang dahilan ng pagkatuwa.

*** Ano ba naman yang kaibigan mo, nakapulot lang ng piso tuwang tuwa na sa galak, baka mamaya mapunit ang bibig niyan sa sobrang ngiti.

TAPOS NA…

He will never ever get fat because he has a thyroid problem… Kung maraming tao ang gustong pumayat at kung anu ano ang ginagawa para pumayat, siya naman ang kabaliktaran. Gusto niya tumaba for a change kaso hindi pwede. Napatunayan na rin niya ito dahil merong panahon sa kanyang buhay na hindi siya kumakain, lumalamon siya. At kahit ginawa niya yun, hindi pa rin siya tumaba. Sinubukan na rin niya kumain ng taba ng baboy kapag pork chop ang ulam kasi may nagsabi sa kanya na nakakataba raw yun, pero hininto rin niya nung na realize niyang hindi pala body fats ang makukuha niya sa taba ng baboy kundi bad cholesterol. Mabuti naman at natauhan siya.

He ax-kicks people in his mind when he gets angry… Wala siyang blackbelt sa taekwondo pero maituturing niya ang kanyang sarili na isang contortionist, flexible ika nga. Pwede siya sa perya pero hindi pa niya nasubukan. Dahil na rin siguro sa kapayatan kaya parang napakasimpleng ilagay ang kanang paa katabi ng kanang tenga pag nagwo wall-climbing at walang makapitang matino, para siyang chimpanzee. Hindi pa naman niya sinusubukan sa reyalidad na manipa ng tao sa mukha pero alam niyang kaya niya, kasi muntik na niya yun magawa minsan, pinigilan lang niya yung paa niya few inches away from the person’s nose. Kaya iwas lang pag mainit ulo, baka ma bwena-mano ka.

He has three personalities… Alfie is the first… Si Alfie ang unang lumitaw simula pagkabata. Siya yung masayahing palakaibigan na madaldal na parang nasusian at hindi mapigilan sa kulit. Hindi na siya nagma manifest ngayon. Huli yata siyang active nung high school days pa, which was eons ago. Gusto niya mag comeback pero ayaw nung dalawa. Masikip na raw ang mundo para sa kanilang tatlo, kaya ayan, comatose siya ngayon. Siya rin ang social life handler kaya no wonder comatose ang social life kasama siya. He might make a comeback but not anytime soon. Malamang after college na siya mag resurface. Ang lungkot ano? Kung magkaka power daw si Alfie, ang gusto niya e yung kay Iceman sa X-Men, para cool, literally. If he would be allowed to pick a language to use, it would be French. Unfortunately, ihcahieh doesn’t want to learn French, at least not yet.

He has three personalities… ihcahieh is the second… Si ihcahieh naman ang present ever since, never naman siyang nawala. Siya yung nerdy type na laging academics ang nasa utak. Anti-social siya, mahilig magpunta sa library at makihalubilo sa mga libro. Siya ang namamahala sa everything-academics, from language learning to Mathematics, kahit na laging nagma manifest si Dan the wrathful pag Mathematics na. Nung magsimula ang Post-Malaysia Era, his plan was to learn all these languages at once: Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, French, German, Mandarin Chinese, and Japanese. Buti na lang natauhan siya at nag decide na mag settle na lang sa first three na kasalukuyan niyang ginagawa ngayon. Kung magkaka power daw siya, telekinesis na raw walang duda, mind over matter. Hanggang sa pagpapantasya lumalabas pa rin ang pagka nerd. Language choice? Hello, gusto nga pag aralan lahat e. OC!

He has three personalities… Dan the Wrathful is the third… Ito naman ang bugnutin, maangas, at walang pakundangan. Actually nameless entity lang siya nun hanggang nung high school e may nagbinyag ng pangalang Dan the Wrathful sa kanya, kaya ayun nagkapangalan tuloy. Lagi itong galit at pag nagma manifest siya, lumilipad ang mga gamit kung san man siya naroroon dahil pinagbababato niya. One example was during the Malaysia Era nung batuhin niya ng radio si Abet, yung nakababatang kapatid. Ang brutal, napipi kaya yung harap ng radio. Pala sigaw din ito at ito yung mahilig mang ax-kick. Ano ba ang symptoms pag present siya? Well, moody, nakasimangot, tulala. Yun na yun. Kung may power daw siya, pyrokinesis daw, kabaliktaran ng kay Alfie. Favorite niya yung line sa song ni Juanes na Mala Gente, yung en el infierno enterita enterita, te vas a quemar. Kaso literal ang pagkakaintindi niya dun. Kung meron nga siyang power, malamang siya na lang ang sumasakay ng MRT ngayon kasi super galit siya sa makukupad na tao. In short, malamang paliyabin niya ang mga kawawang commuters! Language of choice daw Russian, kaso ayaw pag aralan ni ihcahieh kaya wala siyang magawa. Ayaw naman niya ng Portuguese kasi parang baklang Spanish daw.

He wants to jump off the ledge of the QC Avenue MRT station… Don’t worry, hindi ito ang version niya ng Veronika Decide Morrer, in short he’s not suicidal. Isa ito sa mga kinaiinisan niya sa pagkatao niya, masyado siyang fan ng escapism. Pag nagbabasa siya ng Harry Potter gusto niya palitan si Harry. Pag nanonood siya ng Smallville gusto niya palitan si Clark. Weird ano? Yung sa MRT naman e yung ledge (is the term correct?) na unang makikita pag pababa ka ng MRT QC Station. Gusto niya tumakbo dun tapos sabay luksong-baka sa ledge sabay spread arms tapos pagbagsak sa lupa naka one-leg kneeling position tapos sabay lakad palayo na parang walang nangyari. Weird.

His favorite past time is planning his life… May pagka OC din ito. Ang paborito niyang gawin pag wala siyang magawa e umupo sa isang sulok, tumunganga, at magplano ng buhay after college. Mukha sanang maganda pakinggan pero maganda ba na araw araw e iba ang plano mo for the future? Kahapon ang sabi pagka graduate daw magtatrabaho sa call center na Spanish speaking para kumita ng malaki at yumaman. Kanina naman ang sabi kukuha daw ng language scholarship sa Salamanca at mag aaral ng Español. Bukas malamang gusto naman niyan dumirecho mag foreign service. Sa isang araw malamang trip naman niyan magsulat ng nobela. Ano ba talaga kuya?

He lived in Malaysia for 9 months but he never did learn their language… Ito ang isa sa mga pinaka weird sa kanya. Language obsessed na maituturing, nag stay ng 9 months sa isang bansang napakadaling pag aralan ng wika tapos pag uwi dito hindi man lang natuto. Samantalang lahat ng avenues for learning nandun, TV, Indianong may putok, language schools, Instik na busangot, radyo, diyaryo. Tapos pag uwi dito tiyaka gusto matuto kung kailan wala na dun. Once again, weird.

He is obsessed with TV Ratings, North American Box Office returns, and anything that has something to do with rankings… One more time, weird. Masugid niyang sinusubaybayan ang ratings ng ABS-CBN at GMA sa internet kahit hindi naman siya shareholder ni isa sa dalawang nabanggit. Inip na inip siya sa pag akyat ng Superman Returns para makaabot ng $200 million kahit hindi naman siya producer ($195 million pa lang). Ang isa pang nakakapagtaka, galit nga siya sa Math e tapos ang hilig naman sa mga ganito na puro numero ang nakikita. Sabagay hindi naman porke numbers e Math na agad. Teka nga, ano bang pinagsasasabi ko?

He is a fashion victim… Kung isa lang ang gumagana mong mata tapos duling pa kaya hindi mo siya nakikita, then mapagbibigyan ka pa para masabing di mo alam na fashion victim siya. Pero kung wala ka namang depekto sa paningin, hindi na kailangan sabihin sa iyo ito no. Hindi siya marunong pumorma. Hindi siya mahilig bumili ng mga damit o kung ano mang sinasabit sabit sa leeg, daliri, braso, ilong, at kung saan saan pa. Kasalanan ito ni ihcahieh, hinaharang niya lahat ng pondo kaya imbes na sa pamporma mapunta, sa mga libro napupunta. Kung kapag dinadalaw niyo ang mga kaibigan niyo e sa kabinet niya kayo dinadala, ibahin niyo ang taong ito kasi hindi niya kayo sa kabinet niya dadalhin… sa bookshelf.

He uses familiar words but changes their meaning so that only he could understand them… Magkakaroon ito ng sariling issue dahil medyo dumami na. Mahilig ang taong ito na mag mutate ng words at ibahin ang ibig sabihin. Ilang mga halimbawa ay ang mga kataga tulad ng sampalin ng transcript, puttanesca, orocanability, moron, kupadgenic, at kung anu ano pa. Minsan ay ginagamit niya sa publiko ang mga nasabing salita ngunit may mga pagkakataon din na sa utak lang niya ito namamalagi at nagagamit.

Mathematics is his kryptonite… Kung makakaimbento raw si Dan the Wrathful ng time machine, babalik daw siya sa nakalipas at babatukan daw niya ang taong promotor kung bakit naging subject ang Mathematics at lahat ng kaugnay na asignatura tulad ng Algebra at Calculus. Madalas naman nagtataka si ihcahieh kung bakit marami ang nahihirapan sa pag aaral ng banyagang wika gayung siya naman e parang naglalaro lang. Hindi lang niya alam, sarili niya rin ang kasagutan sa tanong, dahil kung anumang hirap ang dinaranas ng mga taong galit sa pag aaral ng banyagang wika ay siya naman niyang dinaranas sa pag aaral ng Matematika.

He is addicted to Nerds… Ang ibig kong sabihin ay yung candy, hindi yung tao. Ito yung sugar granules na coated with fruit flavor kaya maasim sa una tapos matamis sa huli. Kung illegal drugs ang Nerds, malamang nahuli na siya ngayon at nasa rehab na. Mapa 50 pesos, 30 pesos, o 25 pesos man ang isang kahon, napipilitan siyang bumili pag nakakakita siya, lalo na kung ang kulay e yung red at green (watermelon – cherry). Pangarap din niyang mag may ari ng isang Nerds factory.

Applying in call centers was once his hobby… May panahon sa buhay niya nang siya ay nahilig sa pag a apply sa mga call center kahit alam naman niyang hindi siya makakatuloy dahil ayaw ng mga magulang niya at nag aaral siya. Hindi maintindihan kung bakit pero enjoy siya kapag mayroong group interview, final interview, skills test, at lalo na yung spelling test. Nakakaaliw daw yun. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang topak niya sa buhay pero at lest ngayon hindi na niya yun ginagawa. Mabuti naman.

He is sometimes mistaken for a girl… Paano ba naman kasi ang payat, maliit pa yung mukha na payat din, tapos hindi pa nagpapagupit, tapos hindi pa pumoporma. Tapos medyo may pagka kulot pa ang buhok. Kahapon lang nakapila siya sa Katag ng tanungin siya ng tindera ng, Ano sa ‘yo miss? Nagulat na lang yung tindera nung nagsalita. Minsan din napapagkamalang tomboy. Kasalanan yan ng departamento ni Alfie e, comatose kasi kaya ayan hindi naaasikaso ang anyong panlabas na dapat ay trabaho niya. As for ihcahieh and Dan the Wrathful naman, hindi sila affected ng issue. Dedma ang mga kupal. Ang dahilan ni ihcahieh, pumapasok daw siya sa eskwela para mag aral, hindi para mag model. Si Dan the Wrathful naman madalas umiiwas sa isyu kasi pag na bwiset daw siya baka bigla na lang siyang mang ax kick ng tao. Malaking abala raw yun pag na demanda pa ng physical injuries kaya pag may ganung happenings e natutulog na lang muna siya.

He has this autistic past time of introducing himself in several languages… Kapag wala siyang magawa, madalas umuupo siya sa isang sulok. Ito yung time na pagod na siya magplano ng buhay niya. Tapos binabanggit niya ang mga katagang ito: Magandang umaga. Ako si Dan Alfred de Jesus. Ako ay dalawampung taong gulang. Ako ay nag aaral sa Unibersidad ng Pilipinas-Diliman. Nakakapagsalita ako ng limang wika. Kamusta ka? Salamat. At hindi pa yun nagtatapos diyan dahil inuulit niya ang anim na kataga sa iba’t-ibang wika na ganito ang pagkakasunud sunod: American English, British English, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, French, German, Bahasa Malaysia. Kapag may oras pa ay nagbibilang naman siya hanggang sampu, sa ganoong pagkakasunud sunod din. Weird.

Weird man na maituturing, si Dan ay tao lamang gaya ng tatlong masugid niyang mambabasa (yung tatlong binanggit sa taas) na nagkakamali, weird, mas weird, talagang weird, at sinusubukang hanapin ang sarili na matagal na niyang hinahanap. Nakita niyo ba? Kung oo, itawag niyo naman sa kanya o kaya e-mail. Ang blog na ito ay hindi isang mekanismo para magpapansin o pumilit ng tao na magbasa ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ng isang nilalang na hindi naman kilala. Ang blog na ito ay pangako ng nasabing tao sa kanyang sarili, upang ipunin ang kanyang mga saloobin sa pamamagitan ng internet at papel at balang araw, marahil sampung taon mula ngayon ay basahin muli ang kanyang mga naisulat at malaman kung sino siya noon at sino siya ngayon.